May 2009

Silent Night

When a new baby comes along, we know that sleepless nights are part of the deal. For many of us though, those disturbed nights will either continue or re-start as our babies grow into toddlers - and can persist right up to school age. Having a child who can’t sleep can have a disastrous effect on any mother (or father’s) social life, career and love life (not to mention, appearance).

Does your child have a sleep problem or does she just not need much sleep? Ask yourself the following:
• Does she refuse to go to bed?
• Do you have to stay next to her as she goes to sleep?
• Does she wake crying and need you to be beside her again during the night?
• Does she suffer from nightmares or night fears?
• Is she a very early or very late waker?
• Is she cranky and irritable during the day?
• Does she fall asleep the minute she gets in the car?
• Is she easily over faced with her food?
• Are you finding being with her stressful and demanding?
• Are you exhausted, with no time to yourself?

If you have answered yes to more than one of the above, then the chances are that your child does have a sleep problem. If so, don’t worry – you can solve it. First of all you need to prepare: Put some time aside when there is not too much going on in your family and/or work life. Think of 3 key advantages of having your child sleep through the night. These can be either for her benefit, your own or both.

For example:
1. I’ll be able to join an evening yoga class/book group or just go out for dinner.
2. My child will have a happier disposition and I will no longer be humiliated by her teacher telling me that she bites other children.
3. I will be able to sleep all night in my own bed.

Now here are some important facts which will help you get further motivated:
• Sleep strengthens children’s immune systems and improves their concentration skills [i.e. gives you healthy, brainy kids]
• The most intense period of growth hormone release is during sleep (that are tall)
• Kids need some quiet time and their own space at the end of a busy day; just as you do (no need to feel guilty about wanting “me” time)
• They also need parental boundaries, in order for them to feel safe and nurtured (it’s right that you should be in charge).

Now that you are in the right mindset, you need some tools:
The Five Basic Essentials for a Good Night's Sleep:

1. A highly consistent bedtime routine - a familiar series of steps leading up to bedtime helps a child to feel both sleepy and safe.
2. A safe and familiar sleeping environment. Do not allow your child to fall asleep on the sofa or on your bed only to transfer her to her bed later on. If you do this she might wake up and panic. You may think she’s having a nightmare, but she’s not – she’s “freaked out” because she’s woken in a strange place.
3. To be well fed but not have an over full tummy when she goes to sleep and not to be full of sugar, cola and other nasties.
4. To fall asleep without having you in the room with her. Sleep occurs in cycles and we wake up naturally every hour and a half or so. If you are next to your child as she falls asleep, she will expect you to still be there when she wakes up later.
5. Your child needs to fall asleep feeling that all is well with the world. Don’t let her go to sleep feeling that you are cross with her.

Andrea Grace’s “happy to sleep” method: I’ve used this with literally hundreds of children and trust me, it works.

• After following your bedtime routine, read a story or two and after the last story (same one each night), leave your child on a positive and temporary note, eg. “I’m just going to tell daddy what a good girl you are and I’ll be back in a minute.”
• Return to her a minute later and praise her warmly for remaining in bed. Leave her again in the same positive way, “I’m going to wash my hands, I’ll be back again soon.” You need to keep going out and coming back in, very gradually increasing the time that you are away. This way, she will become comfortable about being left alone.
• If she calls out for you, it is perfectly alright to call back to her, “I’ll be there in a minute!”

• When she struggles to go to sleep, go in very frequently indeed, be reassuring and loving but do not agree to “one more story” or “sit with me for a minute!” It is really important that you and her both know that you are in control. Respond to any requests (except for the toilet) with a calm “in the morning.”
• If she gets out of bed, you should take her silently by the hand and put her back. Once she is there, you need to praise her: “That’s better!” If she refuses to return to bed, rather than tussling with her you need to stand silently and then say: “I’m waiting.” As soon as she makes a move to her bed say: “Good girl.” This will tell her what you want her to do without humiliating her.
• At first, there may be lots of screaming and protest, but if you stick with it and keep calm, your child will eventually become exhausted and have no option but to comply.
• Make sure though that when she goes off to sleep, you are not in the room with her.
• After a few nights, depending on how she does, you should check her just once after about 5 minutes. When she is comfortable about going to bed, you can leave her all together and just pop in to check her when you are going to bed yourself.

• If she wakes at night, you can stay with her until she is calm, but then you must leave whilst she is still awake. Each time you leave her, you must do so in a loving and encouraging way. “You are such a good girl in your bed!”
• It is most important that she receives a consistent response from you and that she does not get into your bed.
• Treat anything before 7.00am as a night waking. After this, when she is awake you should open her curtains (daytime signifier) before getting her up for the day.
• Offer lots of warm and specific praise: “You slept in your own bed!” To reinforce this praise, you should give her a sticker for her pyjamas or a luminous star (from toy shops) for her bedroom wall.
• No matter how tired you are, you need to remain resolute and consistent.

Remember, that as the parent of a sleepless child you are not on your own. If it all feels like too much and you can’t even face the prospect of putting the above plan into place, you should see your GP about getting some expert support.

Andrea Grace is the author of Teach Yourself Baby Sleep (Hodder). She’s a mother of 4, an independent health visitor and sleep expert for Mother & Baby Magazine.

Useful websites:
www.andreagrace.co.uk
www.ukfamily.co.uk

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